You stupid, worthless, no good, rotten, piece of garbage!!!
Question,… Would that have offended you if I had convincingly said that directly to your face?
Have you ever even thought about what it means to offend or be offended? And is there an alternative?
What does it actually mean?… Some definitions say;
Offended; of·fend [ə fénd]
- To be annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.
- To cause somebody anger, hurt feelings, irritation or resentful displeasure
- To be upset by something said or done
- To affect disagreeably, by being rude or showing a lack of respect
Do you realize that just because it’s defined doesn’t necessarily mean it holds any weight in reality?
Let’s pick apart some of the words in these definitions.
- Perceived – Perception doesn’t mean that it’s the truth.
- Cause – You can only “cause” somebody anger if that person doesn’t have control over their own emotions.
- Upset – Same example as above.
- Affect – Being rude or lacking respect is the responsibility of the individual and does not have to affect the one being disrespected.
It all has to do with the response to those adverse situations or people
and not the act itself.
The act is a separate issue than the response.
Looking at both sides of the coin in terms of the deliberate offenders and the ones always being offended.
The Deliberate Offender:
- They’re hurting, miserable people that can’t usually focus beyond their own inner pain.
- Their behavior has more to do with their own mental state of being than what they actually say or do to try to offend you.
- They feel out of control on the inside so want to control everything on the outside, which is impossible, causing their misery & we’ve all heard the saying, “misery loves company.”
The Always Offended:
- Looking for acceptance by what people think of them so they allow words or actions to control their emotions if those words or actions don’t line up with their unrealistic expectations.
- It’s that desire for acceptance that dictates their truth thru the eyes of their offenders, therefore accepting the offense by letting external opinions outweigh their own self-acceptance.
Another question, and I want you to really think about this!
Is any part of either offending or being offended,
productive in any way whatsoever?
If your answer is no,
allow me to introduce you to your next best friend… Conviction.
Convicted; con·vic·tion [kən víksh’n]
- Compelling the admission of a truth
This Definition tells me the takeaway from that is to always look at things as if you could be wrong. Not in an insecure way, but rather in a curious way.
Like asking yourself, “Could I be wrong”?
And then tell yourself, “I would like to know why I am and if I am, I can correct it or fix my thinking.
Now let’s examine both sides of the conviction coin through that outlook.
On the one side: If you look at things as if you could be wrong and find out you are, in fact, wrong:
- You now have an opportunity to correct that wrong.
- Make yourself better for it by adding to your wisdom.
- And are now able to constructively correct someone else that may believe the same as you did.
On the other side: If you look at things as if you could be wrong and conclude that you were right:
- You just Reassured yourself, solidifying your conviction even deeper.
- You Gained that much more confidence in your beliefs.
Now you choose, Comparing the two side by side. Which of those if acted upon would be more productive? Wouldn’t you say that Conviction is tremendously more productive than Offences?
Offenses tend to Focus more on the hypothetical, superficial world
while Convictions focus in on the aspects of reality.
Let’s go back to offense through the eyes of both the offender and the offended.
Through the eyes of the Offender:
- You should actually have compassion for them and extend a kind alternative outlook to cause them to think beyond themselves.
- It actually says more about the state of mind in that individual than you, because if they have to resort to untruths or hurtful derogatory remarks, it tells you that they are hurting inside themselves.
- The more out of control you are on the inside, the more control you want on the outside and you can’t control every circumstance., causing them to try to invite you into their misery. & “misery loves company.”
- The only thing you can control consistently is your reactions to those external circumstances.
Through the eyes of the Offended:
- If I can cause you to be offended, then, in essence, you are letting me control your emotions with my words or actions.
- Yes, we “want” people to accept us for who we are but does our desire for acceptance dictate our truth thru the eyes of our accusers?
- Or does our acceptance of self outweigh any and all opinions to the contrary?
Now that we’ve built the technical skeleton,
Lets put some flesh on these bones…
This is a crude example but very effective…
Picture, if you will, there is a fresh, slimy, putrid pile of dog crap,… I bend over and scoop up as much of it as I possibly can and then offer it to you…
Would you willingly hold out your hand to accept it, or would you throw back your hands and say, “I’m not taking that”!
Essentially if someone tries to offend or insult you, They are offering you Verbal dog crap, Are you going to accept the truth as they see you or see the truth as you know it to be? Be confident in knowing who you are!
So again, let’s take it from the top… You stupid, worthless, no good, rotten, piece of garbage!!!
Examples on how to combat possible offenses,
starting with the opening statement…
- You stupid, worthless, no good, rotten, piece of garbage!
- I may be a little bit of the first 3 but I think that the last one might be physically impossible.
Explain to me what you mean by that?
- I may be a little bit of the first 3 but I think that the last one might be physically impossible.
- You’re Fat!
- Fat is something that you might “HAVE”, but it isn’t something that you “ARE”. If I actually WAS fat They wouldn’t have given me my license to drive, and because I may have some extra flesh, that just means that there’s more of me to love.
- You have a big nose!
- You should smell flowers with this thing… IT’S AMAZING !!!
- You’re Ugly!
- You think this is bad, you should see my twin brother.
- You’re worthless!
- Worth Less Than What?… & Thank you I’ll work on that.
Try following everything up with a question, to make it a dialog which almost always immediately defuses the tension.
I have one more powerful eye-opening set of statements, with a very simplistic example of being set free from offenses?
If you had green eyes & I said, “You have purple eyes”!
Would you be offended – NO – Why?… Because it isn’t true…
And If I said, you have green eyes!
Would you be offended – NO – Why?… Because it is true…
Did anybody catch that?
Do you grasp how much power is in those facts?
BOTH are reasons NOT to be offended!
You are FREE from offense simply by realizing the truths -OR- the untruths in each and every statement.
Going deeper into some reasons behind the scenes.
The very fact that you’re offended means that you are not secure with your own beliefs and/or who you are.
For example: If you are religious and bad language offends you, then you are more judgmental than accepting.
If someone calls your spouse fat & ugly and your offended or your spouse is hurt by it then those are signs of deep insecurities because if you absolutely knew that you were hand-picked by the creator of heaven and earth to walk this planet as His one of a kind creation, then you fully don’t believe Him, and you’re letting mere empty words control your emotions.
You, as a fully secure individual, should never be offended over anything if you believe it with absolute conviction, otherwise, the only thing that offenses do is reveal your need to try to prove something, something that you feel you have to defend by controlling someone else’s behavior towards you.
Like, if I have to make you believe what I want you to believe, anything other than that belief will offend you, meaning that your beliefs, at their very core, are superficial and essentially unbelievable by default, displayed again by your behavior.
If you have to try to force someone to believe what you believe then you really are not convicted of those beliefs because if you were, nothing would shake that belief. & if nothing can shake a belief then that belief is an integrated part of who you are like the color of your eyes & if someone told you the color of your eyes were anything other than what they were, & you were offended, does that not openly display your insecurities? Again, if you are offended by it, then is it, by default, true? Or is it that you aren’t completely convinced that your own eyes are what color you believe they are?
You can use this same reasoning with anything anybody wants to throw at you.
If you were completely convinced of your beliefs, then you wouldn’t ever be offended by someone’s opposing views or challenges to those beliefs.
Although you would have to keep yourself in check and not go in the other direction with your security & be totally confident in your arrogant repulsive behavior. That goes too far in the other direction.
Another reason you may be offended is that you know what is being presented to you, by way of an accusation, and it’s actually true but you want to defend your lie. (or avoiding that truth because it’s embarrassing etc.) You will “act” offended and be loud and obnoxious to draw the attention away from that truth.
What I would like for you to take away from this is not the actual definitions but the sense of looking internally with the intent of personal growth and the security that conviction has to offer rather than the breeding of a victim mentality that being offended offers.
And it really is pointless to be offended by anything that is either true OR untrue
Keep in Mind…
- Their truth isn’t your truth or thee truth…
- Embrace the real truth and Realize that opinions are just empty words without substance and reject the Un-Truth.
- Offenses bring self-righteousness and attitude that drives you away from the truth.
- Conviction brings a changed life, and draws you closer to the truth because if it is true it gives you a chance to accept that truth and live contently inside of those walls and if it isn’t true… What does it matter? Leave that with the person that thinks otherwise.
- Confront with calm questions or statements that will defuse the desire to continue this behavior.
- Don’t engage in a worthless conversation with someone that just wants to put you down, if your attempts at making it into a productive conversation fail, it’s better to just walk away or ignore them altogether.
- Don’t try to argue with the “offender” They are sometimes just looking for a fight and are usually professional arguers that want to “be right” without any intention of resolving anything & arguing never gets anywhere, any time, ever!
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